April 4th was your birthday. April 5th I sent you a late birthday text saying I love you. You responded with, “I love you too”. That was our last communication.
April 9 I was sat down on the bed and was told you were gone. Gone forever! I was going to send you a text that day and say I wanted to come to see you that weekend. I never got to send it. Every opportunity I would ever have to see you gone!
Over the last few month I’ve been analyzing myself trying to figure out what stage of grief I am in, but to no avail. I am realizing the stages aren’t always chronological. One moment I am angry, others I feel like I have accepted. At other moments it seems as if denial is my main emotion. There are times when I feel numb.
One thing that remains consistent is my heartache. I am just plain sad. You left me too soon! Before we could develop the relationship I wanted, I needed! Why didn’t I call and say Happy Birthday and I love you? Why didn’t I just tell you I was coming to see you when I thought about it. Would it have changed the horrific events that would unfold? I don’t know, but sometimes when I am thinking too hard I say, maybe it could’ve. But I know that nothing I do or say really holds that much power. Only God. He holds the world in his hands and he planned and ordained the events of our lives. If I am honest with myself I question God’s decision to allow this to happen. In my pain sometimes I cry out why???!!!!
Grief is an ongoing process. It never fully ends. We move through the stages and can eventually fully accept our losses. I am not there yet. God is helping and healing me everyday.
In honor of your life Mell, today I will plant some seeds. The flower I picked up off your casket after the funeral is now in a frame and has become my favorite flower, so I will plant some. The cool thing is they are year round flowers so I will see them all year!!
And lastly my family and I will go to a fireworks show. I don’t know why I want to do that, but maybe just maybe if the fireworks light the sky enough, I will see you smiling down at me.
I love you Mell!
